A loner's sorrows
by Talcie
Summary: A romanticism-inspired vision of Ichigo's thoughts after Winter War. What was in the mind of a lonely teen? How did the rebellious boy turned out to be? Will he live happily ever after in his non-ghostly world? /IchiRuki one-shot/


Save the world, they said. It'll be fun, they said. Well, you know what. It ain't no fun. It's fucking hell.

Not that I expected roses and fireworks, but friends would be nice. Oh wait, haven't I asked for that? "I want an ordinary life". Congrats my 15-year-old-self. You're so wise and predicting. That's totally my dream to date. Being permanently down, with no friends, no understanding or support. Great. Tough it's not what I have imagined thinking about rebelling teens. I guess I should never come back home, rather than locking myself in it.

The thing is I haven't expected thing that happened. As if anyone ever expected girl burglaring into your room through the wall. Not to mention the girl is a Death God. Not to mention you make best friends with Death Gods. Maybe that's why you end up wishing the death.

Maybe I'll introduce you to my current life. If you insist on calling it one.I've spent a month in magical-reiatsu-coma then woke up to see my best friend for maybe 10 minutes, on everyone's eyes said goodbye (rather "goodbye, farewell kisses") just to be left alone in my sorrow, as everyone decided not to talk to me.

I mean, this was the Crazy Scientist work! He can bring dead back to life, but not upkeep the living? What is he doing all day in that fucking lab?

The only uplifting thought I have is that she was there all that time, as I was unconscious, I mean. Now I can hope she thinks of me sometimes, but it's nothing I could be sure of. Then it gets rather depressing, considering I have her constantly on my mind, and she might have as well forgot my existence.

Whatever, that wasn't my point. Yet. The point is, she was understanding. No words even needed. And now she's gone... I had good friends. It's not that I was all alone. But over time, talking got awkward. They speaking of their Hollow-fights and then me feeling pathetic and helpless. So we stopped talking. They had good will, but I cut off. It was too exhausting, pretending to be alright.

Same with dad. He regained his powers just at time I lost mine. You'd say he could help me cope, as he's been through the same, but you see, he... It was his choice. To me it wasn't. It was an obligatory. "You give it up, or you all die". That's rather poor choice to me. Plus, he got the girl, got married, led casual, but happy life. I didn't. I didn't get any of those, and the more I think about it, the more I think I'd want it. Being maybe a bit boring, but loved. Having hobbies, kids. Not right away, but in future it'll be fun. But for now, I don't see that future to myself. How will I trust someone, knowing how great trust can be? How can I talk to someone, knowing you can communicate so much better without words? I'd want all of that so much, it feels like vacuum in place of a heart, or rather ripping it bit by bit. As a kid I'd say it sounds cliché, but it's honestly the best way I can describe it.

She was-... I mean-... Man! She was the actual Goddess, wasn't she? Just remembering it - no words, no guilt, no pressure. Just peaceful coexisting. That is how I felt around her. And I kind of underappreciated it. Now I fantasise about a person so understanding. I catch myself on speaking to her in my mind. Thinking she will comfort me somehow, but you know what? She's gone. She apparently doesn't give a shit about whom she had left here. The last hint of hope I have is that she's forbidden to contact me. But then again, she didn't mind rules when she lived here for half a year, why would she now? I think to myself "because you've made up a relationship that existed only on your head". And I start to lose it. Cause, did I? Did I imagine we're more than we really were? Or was it me who cut it down, the blossoming feelings, cause I was just a reckless, insensitive kid? Did she even care? I try to recall random meeting, and I think "Of course she cared, duh" but then the "it only seemed so" idea creeps in and I no longer know anything for sure. My mind became my worst enemy. The toxic friend. But the only friend. Won't ever leave you. Just not sure if I'm liking it.

I liked her. I really did. I just was too busy getting my ass beaten to let anyone know. I didn't know. You know what it's like when you miss something right after it's gone? Yup. Before, her presence was too obvious for me to worry about it. She would come back every time, so it felt like she have never left. But now it does. And I can feel it painfully strong.  
All these memories hit me back.

When she stood by my side. Watching, believing in me. And I really wish I could tell whether it's just growing up or actual affection, but sometimes, no matter if I am in the middle of the street or staring at the ceiling, I feel the urge just to hold her hand. Nothing creepy, really, just the touch. Feeling the lack of distance. Just look in her eyes. Damn blue eyes. Or navy rather. Stunningly dark, wide open with this glow as she stared at me. Or didn't she? Or was it just turning her head at the sun? Or wasn't she even looking at me? Why would I be the one to make her seem so pretty?

See?! This fucking thoughts are killing me, man! Over and over again. Like this guy that got his liver eaten every day. Just it's about sanity in my case. Crumbling during day, regained during sleep.

The worst is that she looked like no one I ever knew. You'd say seeing her shadow everyday would be an ordeal, but I sometimes think it would keep the memory of her alive. Over time I tend to forget her, bit by bit. What shape her nose had? What shade her hair was in direct sunlight? How her lips moved speaking to me? What did her voice sound like? I hear it echoing in my head every day, yet it fades away more and more.

At midnight when the darkness every house finally languished, and only thing you could see were yellowish lanterns, a boy left the doctor's. Except that it was his home he left. Except that it was bright moon shining from above.  
The boy would head the river, as there it was where good best and worst memories were made. A person might have thought he meets a girl, that he sneaked out. And, frankly, I can't deny it. The boy was a slender young man, agile, you could tell from his developed muscles, and clenched fists showing veins as he gritted his teeth. His strong jaw moving sides while taking sharp breaths.  
As he reached the bridge, he sat down, but there was no girl around. And then you would realize she was never ment to appear. The loneliness of the place wasn't depressing, as everyone would have thought. It was very peaceful night, calming silence around. Only cars roaming in faraway, and stomping of the feet.  
He stared at the water's surface, lost in his own thoughts apparently. Or maybe there was no thinking there? An outside witness wouldn't really tell. But his gaze was intense. As if he tried to pierce this water through. And being hypnotised with these inconspicuous waves, no one noticed when boys eyes became slightly bigger in the reflection. Neither when the stomping stopped. And since I noticed this change I didn't pay attention to the boy anymore. The silence got dense and paralysing. I could not think about it anymore. Later as I recalled that day, I felt something was missed in the story. And the more I thought about it, the more I was sure, the girly must have turned up at the point. Remembering the boys face, I think she sneaked up behind me, and she was there as he touched the ground.


End file.
